Single Brown Male

Single Brown Male is a species of humans found in the Indian Subcontinent. This creature resides across all the length and breadth of the great country of India. The engineering colleges of the country abound with all sorts of specimens of this creature. He comes in varying shapes and sizes – large and small, fat and thin, smart and dumb, black and white(?).

The single brown male carries a lot of burdens on his shoulders. Born into a challenging, cut throat, man eat man or more precisely, dog eat dog surroundings, he is taught to fend for himself from the day he opens his eyes in this world. Fourteen years of rigorous training at a place called school teach him a lot, even though he is yet to get a taste of a slice of real life.

Then comes college. This is a place where this creature gets to move away from his erstwhile comfortable surroundings and get into new, yet another dog eat dog world which is nastier than before. Brimming with unused hormones and uncertainty about himself, he tries to nurture the dreams here. These dreams maybe his own (5% of the species) or someone else’s (parents, relatives and what not, 95% of the species).

At college, the hormones come into play. I am talking about normal members of the species here, not the hyperactive ones found in metros, who in any case, experience too much too soon. These hormones attract him towards the opposite sex. Our dear Single Brown Male is always on a lookout for a Single White Female. That perhaps makes him a pathetic creature on the planet.

Now, his success with them depends on how he channels his hormones. Wasted into trivial pursuits like studies, they let him end up with porn movies, spicy Mastram story books, Savita Bhabhi and the middle of the night, booze induced discussions about the necklines, hemlines and waistlines of girls in the college. This results in usual frustration of not having a girlfriend or lamenting about one’s virginity and how that fellow in some other part of the world is enjoying life by screwing many girls at a time.

Some hypocrites try to hide this behind lame excuses like parent’s trust on them, good character, haven’t found the right girl yet, career first and all that crap though deep within them there is an immense desire to get laid at any cost. In engineering colleges, they constitute 99% of the crowd. They are the ones whose throat runs dry as all the water from their body comes out in form of sweat whenever they encounter a girl. Their usual conversation with a girl goes like this – Guy : “Suno” Girl : “Yes” Guy : “Kuch nahi. Pen dena”. End of conversation. And when back to their dens, its like :”pata hai aj maine us maal se baat ki”.

The remaining 1% are those who have scored. They are the happier lot or rather it seems so. Out of the previous 99%, many are quintessential males who may never have spoken to a girl their entire lives and are OK with it. Their life revolves around usual guy stuff like sports, action movies, gaming etc. This category is the happiest of them all. It has nothing to worry about, no one to look after, no pretensions about itself and no one to pretend to.

All in all, the Single Brown Male is a very interesting creature with a lot of layers covering it. To all the social scientists and psychologists of the world, he offers a plethora of oppurtunities in terms of research and insights in human psyche. More on it later maybe. Short of ideas right now. Adios.

Of Virtues And Vices

One more failure which has resulted in two more subsequent fuck ups in my life. When will it end? Will it ever end goddamnit? But how will it end? I should have seen it coming. I have paved the way for it. All those evenings and mornings wasted in maintaining Mafia Wars scores, all those days spent watching back to back movies, all those nights wasted away chatting with random idiots like me from other parts of the world on Omegle, all other such random shit which has become a routine in my life had to end up here.

The failure in itself is not a big issue. The real issue is the reason behind the failure. When will my lazy ass understand that one has to become a part of the system. You cannot, I repeat, you cannot live against it. But no, dil to bachcha hai ji. It will do what it wants. And in turn lead to me getting fucked. All the anti system rants, the lose control, I’m a rebel shit which I have been following for past three years has led me here. So much for being yourself and following your heart to do what you like.

So, what will I do now? Ok, here is the deal. I will cut down on my surfing time. I will watch one movie a day instead of two. I will finish a chapter everyday from that goddamned Abhijit Guha book and sharpen my programming/reasoning/whatever else the fuck skills you need to get a job of a code coolie, gradually. And fuck Mafia Wars. Time to get a job and make some real money and buy some real property. Heck, I will even do away with this new passion (or chutiyapa? Who reads your crappy posts anyways Ashish?).

So, this is my resolution – to improve on things said above and to do away with my vices. Wait. Mantriji is back with a bang. Oh what? Proposal to watch Gunda, that masterpiece of a movie yet again? Can’t resist. Bulla (jo rakhta hai khulla)and Lambu Atta (jo deta hai maut ka chaanta) win hands down. And Shyam, will you turn up the radio? Its been quite a while I have listened to that Nickelback song. What? Cards? What are you going to play? Bluff? Me too. Me too. Hey its midnight. That girl from Utopia must be online now. Gotta chat with her. She was about to spill beans about her sex life last night. By the way, Rohit called. Yet another “Vivek cooks chicken and we eat” night at his room (and ogling at girls in Sector 10). And what about trip to EDM? Not the mall dumbo. The liquor shop behind it. What about police there? Oh fuck that. Jo hoga dekha jaega.Thats the spirit Piyush. And I have my hard disk full of movies which I haven’t watched yet. Watch them now else it will be too late. Tera porn collection mere porn collection se bada kaise? Shame on me…………….. Blah Blah Blah……… Adios.

Optimistic Pessimism

So fucked up is my whole life right now, that I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Be it studies (which I never paid attention to anyways), reading (I used to be an avid reader with Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton and Dan Brown as my obsessions), music (tired of same old now dead Indipop and the latest bollywood music sucks bigtime), travelling (too lazy to go anywhere these days and I am totally broke to pay the fare) or sometimes even movies (three back to back movies use to be a norm, now it has become an exception) – I find everything  boring, uninteresting, insipid and what not.

Maybe its the current scenario which has made me like this – hopeless job scene, fucked up grades (why do they matter in the practical world I can never fucking understand), a college which I loathe to the core of my heart (maybe as much as the Joker hates Batman’s integrity), homesickness and a misunderstanding ex-girlfriend about whom I still wonder – WTF? (this happens when you see people you have known as someone else, transforming themselves into someone completely different abruptly, in this case, say, Julia Roberts trying to do a Monica Bellucci or Waheeda Rehman getting a “Sunday morning mythological TV serial special effect transformation” into Zeenat Amaan).

Oh! Here I go again rambling about my fucked up life. Well, the reason is that these days I am trying hard to overcome all these things which will not matter two or three months later. Sometimes I wonder why am I behaving like this? Isn’t life good enough with Mafia Wars, chicken at Bhatia’s Restaurant or Rohit’s room, occasional beer at Anand Vihar border, playing hide and seek with policewallahs there, all day movie marathons, online friendly banters with dada (he is getting his ass ripped apart by me and Rohit these days) and a good night’s sleep?

Then come the memories – the good, the bad and the ugly. They are related to everything in my life – the academics which I fucked up in past seven years and paying a heavy price for it now, the lack of confidence, though deep within my heart I know that I am not that bad, the utter feeling of uselessness, the desire to do something but lamenting the lack of oppurtunities (or maybe its just an excuse with which I try to console my lazy ass) and the “empty stomach, heavy heart” syndrome which I encounter whenever I enter college or encounter the girl (yes, I am not ashamed of admitting this).

Still, the optimistic bastard in me is not willing to give up and that is probably the only good thing happening right now (apart from beer, chicken and all that ofcourse). And yes, there are people to support and cheer me up (not that I am all alone though I am a self confessed loner). I am trying. No, I am trying to try maybe. This is so far the worst phase of my life and I am taking it in my sride. It has done its damage, but I think its still controllable. I will emerge from it and then, its a new world, its a new start. Till then, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and my crime capers. Adios.

Fortcut or Chhota Fortcut?

The body is lazy, the mind is restless and the heart, that little bastard has its own fucked up problems. The days are hopeless and the nights filled with even more hopelessness. The mind races in every possible direction to devise new ways to reach out to the topmost priority right now. No, its not a job or a girlfriend or a Jack Daniels bottle or the latest porn flick doing rounds in all the rooms across the hostel. Its MONEY – what Pink Floyd call “a gas.. a hit.. a crime.. root of all evil”. And a damn  necessary evil.

Where does this thought come from? It so happened that I was at Rohit’s place two nights back. He played the title track from Kaminey all night and continued playing it the next morning. So engrossed we were in the lyrics, which applied to our lives, that we never grew tired of it. And suddenly I felt the urge to watch Kaminey again, for the fourth or fifth time. Once back to my hostel, I sat down in my usual way, to watch it.

This movie is really different. It is as different from any other Hindi movie as Sholay is from Gunda. I don’t know whether it is also a rip off from some other flick from some other part of the world. However the opening credits thank one Cajetan Boy who is a writer and short film director from Nairobi, for the idea. The film is a no nonsense, out and out crime thriller. It has an ensemble cast with a really fast paced narrative.

Essentially a story of twin brothers who loathe each other, it beautifully intertwines a day in their lives with gangsters and police. Gangsters are of all kinds here – Marathi, Bengali, Negroes, Goan and the corrupt cops. Everyone is a “kamina” right from the gangsters to police to the local politician to her sister to the small kid who demands “motor” from his uncle to keep his mouth shut and later betrays him. Charlie, with his lisp narrates the movie and it his his dedication to his dream which impresses a lot.

At the centre is a guitar case full of cocaine. Charlie (the gangster twin, the one with the lisp) chances upon it and in the way, makes enemies out of corrupt cops and all sorts of gangsters. A case of mistaken identity with his brother Guddu (the decent twin who stammers, and maybe the only innocent character in the movie, even he ends up beating his brother to save his love) ensures everyone becoming involved in a great comedy/tragedy of errors. All of them show their own “kaminapan” for money. A cop kills his elder brother, the politician is willing to go against his ideology for money, the negro thugs are ready to kill anytime, Charlie can go to any lengths to fulfill his dream, Sweety can shoot her brother for her love, the police hold their fire on being offerred 33% of the bounty, so on and so forth. All of them ultimate “kaminey”, mad for money. And hence my thoughts regarding money.

Human greed, lust for power and money and the sheer madness of the world around us are beautifully shown in this movie. Stylistically, it derives from Guy Ritchie films like Lock, stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. A really fast paced narrative with an ensemble cast where each character has its own prominence in the whole scheme of things. Also the Quentin Tarantino inspired use of retro songs in the background is quite obvious. The one which I really liked is the scene of gangwar in a hotel room with the Do Lafzo Ki song from The Great Gambler playing in the background – iss zindagi ke din kitne kam hain, kitni hain khushiyan aur kitne ghum hain.

Brilliant dialogues full of abuses, crisp treatment, superb setup, fast pace and the awesome music along with the frequent close up shots – everything is superb about this movie. No wonder I can watch it again and again. And no wonder, it makes me think about money, its importance and the the depths to which people can go to have it. Adios.

Travis Bickle

For past two years, I have been watching movies back to back like a maniac to escape from all the shit around me. While this has made me even more reclusive than before, I have also  watched some real movies or better to say, cinema. I have been introduced to a whole new world out there apart from standard bollywood stuff and the superhero/special effects filled hollywood movies.

One of the movies which really had an impact on me was Taxi Driver. I had heard a lot about it earlier and wanted to watch it anyhow. Released in 1976, it stars Robert de Niro (the God of method acting, infact the God of acting) and is directed by Martin Scorsese, frequent collaborators who have given us several outstanding movies like Raging Bull, Mean Streets, Goodfellas, Casino and many more.

The protagonist Travis Bickle (played by de Niro ofcourse) is a Vietnam War veteran who, fed up of being unable to sleep at night and watching porn in seedy grindhouse theatres,  takes up a job of a night time taxi driver to escape his insomnia and unemployment. He works in New York. While at the job, he watches the underbelly of the city – the mafia, the junkies, the prostitutes and other such scum. He is all alone and mentally very disturbed. This sight of the city aggravates his already worse condition. He wishes that someday someone will wash away all this scum off the face of earth and everything will start afresh.

Now, this guy is a not well educated and a loner. That means he is not a hypocrite like the rest of us. He has the guts to ask a girl out and take her to a porn theatre and remain unapologetic about it. Or maybe he does not realize what he has done. When the girl leaves him in disgust, he calls her a sham like everyone else. He is insecure, confused, deranged and full of anger against the whole system. He wants to do something to improve things around him but does not know what to do. He asks the Senatorial candidate to clear the streets though he knows as much about politics as SRK fans know about good movies.

Day by day he watches shit happening around him and his anger keeps simmering. One day he encounters a twelve year old prostitute and this affects him enormously. He tries to help her but the girl is herself a fuck-up who has run away from her home and is happy living under a cheap pimp. He sees his chance to be a do-gooder here. He buys a suitcase full of guns and practices shooting in front of a mirror talking to himself all the way. The scene is legendary in cinema history. The way he says to himself, “You talking to me?” is simply awesome. Here I see myself in him. Ofcourse I can’t buy guns. I don’t have guts for it no matter how much I want to shoot the baddies around me. And maybe he was not bogged down by expectations like me, so he was free to run his course while I am not. Anyways I got a chance to see my fantasy come alive on screen. So, he gets rid of the bad guys in a bloody shootout which people like me savour, becomes a hero and everyone is happy.

This character is my favourite, simply because I can identify with him and he does what I want to do. His mental condition, his insecurities, his wayward social behaviour and his cluelessness about the hypocrite society are all mine. Heck, he even plots to kill the politician. This turned me into a big fan of de Niro and Scorsese and I have seen most of their movies by now. And I can swear to all the good movies, their is nothing better in this world for me besides watching their movies or other movies in the same genre. Adios.

Megan’s Body

So, time for some action here. Results were out today for seventh semester and as a consequence of my ongoing personal war against college and anything remotely related to it, I touched new lows in internal assessment. Anyways, leave that crap. All I needed was some escape after this fiasco. What better than my movies? They always come to my rescue. So I ended up on my bed with a pair of Baby’s hifi Sony earphones (they must be hifi as they cost 800 bucks. Who buys 800 bucks headphones in my surroundings other than my beloved Baby? And he is a guy mind you. And no I am not gay.) and my good old laptop. Since I needed an escape, the movie which I watched was not the usual Al Pacino/Robert De Niro/Martin Scorsese/Christopher Nolan stuff. This one was something else – Jennifer’s Body with my latest obsession Megan Fox as a demon.

Now, this movie is “different”. For a change it has a damn hot brunette and a nerdy, smart blonde. And they are the BFF (Best Friends Forever) since childhood. So, everybody around them wonders how they can be best friends. Then there is a Hook (remember Peter Pan?) like professor, a scene kid and a quiet guy who is the boyfriend of the blonde. The movie aims to be a horror/thriller. It ends up as a showcase to Megan Fox’s hot body much to my pleasure.

So this masterpiece opens with a shot of Megan on her bed. The cinematographer takes special care in focussing all the camera attention to her legs. The creep inside me is happy. Then the blonde takes over the scene and starts narrating which pisses me off. I mean who cares about her when Megan Fox is around in the same movie? Anyways, they live in a small town. Our blonde is a stable, level headed girl with an equally stable, level headed boyfriend while my beloved Megan is the nymphomaniac, adventurous bitch. I cannot elaborate much here. All that happens is that they go to some country bar where a new band is performing and a fire breaks out. They save themselves from this fire. Many people die and Megan hops off into a van with the band guys leaving behind her best friend wondering WTF maybe.

Later she returns as a Chelpark ink vomiting, blood soaked creature totally terrifying her friend. Man, that was scary. And from then on, she is the happiest person around while others mourn the deaths of their kin in the fire. This is not received well by the blonde. Meanwhile our sexy demon hits on the toughest guy around in the jungle and unzips her jacket. The sicko inside me gets ready for some action. But insted the guy becomes her snack. Gross? I enjoyed it. Reminded me of Saw. In due course of the movie, we see the scene kid and the blonde’s boyfriend sharing the same fate as the tough guy. He was nothing more than a Hollywood male version of Hindi film heroines of the 70s anyways (He shouts for help and our heroine comes to her rescue, the death scene is like a homage to Vijay dying in his Maa’s hands in Deewar.) The band hits bigtime following the disaster at the bar.

Later in the movie it is revealed that Megan was wrongfully offered as a virgin sacrifice in some occult hocus pocus thingy which the band performed to become successful. Since she was not a virgin (How stupid of the band guys in assuming this, I thought.), she came to acquire certain superhuman powers like self healing and appariting. And she needs human flesh to regain her energy. Hence her fondness for ripping apart guys.

Ultimately in the typical Hollywood manner, the best friend kills her after snatching the BFF locket from her neck (Now, that is so Bollywood.) Since no one would believe this story, she is sent to an asylum where unknowest to others she realizes she has super powers (the vampire effect because she was bitten by Megan). She runs away in a horny old man’s car and finishes off the band.

Meanwhile in the whole 100 minutes of the movie we are fed images of Megan Fox and all her body parts as well as lots of sex. Megan hitting on different guys and kissing them passionately before killing them, Megan in various states of undress, a hot lesbian type kiss between the best friends and a LOL scene where the blonde is having sex with her boyfriend and she starts hallucinating about blood dripping off the ceiling. She shouts in terror and the boyfriend thinks he is some superman. “Am I big?”, he asks. Figure out yourself the absurdity. The film also has a Sardarji named Ahmet and the girls wonder whether or not he is circumcised. Talk about movie research. Again WTF! And oh yes, the poor Sardarji also becomes Megan’s snack after saving himself from the fire, and the unlucky bastard doesn’t even get to kiss her. So all the Indians against any form of discrimination, here is your chance. Protest and make it to the national news.

Whatever this crap was, it provided me a solid 100 minutes of pleasure in the form of Megan Fox. So much so, that I don’t even remember other characters’ names. Seems like the makers had only her or maybe her body parts in their minds instead of story, plot and characterization. I am a true fan of her’s since the Transformers with a collection of over 500 wallpapers. And so the movie appealed to my baser instincts and I sat through all this crap. What else can I say? Adios.

Curtain Raiser

So this is the beginning. After the first customary “Hello World” post with which all the fake (guys like me) or real IT people are too familiar, I am blogging for the first time. After weeks, no months of contemplating about it, finally I decided to go for it tonight. Partially inspired by great bloggers like The Greatbong (bow to thee Sir) and partially because everyone seems to be going for it (Jaadu, Dada and many others. AD, you should have kept up with your blog. Alas you quit and the world lost a lion’s share of wit and sarcasm. Hope you listen to me and return.). So this is the place where I will vent my ire on all and sundry. And I definitely don’t care who is reading it or who is not or how many comments this blog has or what the hell am i writing.
As for the username, yes I am a movie freak. Movies are my life and they affect me on epidemic scales (I think its poor english here. Screw that anyways.). But that doesn’t mean I will be posting just about movies, though there will be a lot of references. And the references will be from the queerest of movies and from the stupidest of movies. When it comes to movies, there will be weirdest, whackiest and wonderfullest stuff here. For the thick headed part, well that is no surprise for those who know me.
People say I am a frustrated guy and that I am. So there will be a lot of grudge, anger, criticism and attempts at sarcasm, however futile, in my posts. Recently someone really close to me earlier and now as distant from me as Subhash Ghai from a hit movie after Taal (well, here is the first attempt) wreaked her havoc on me saying I can become a very good critic as I tend to criticize a lot. Well, here I go baby. Contemplating on topics to write now. Adios.