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God’s Own Mystery

Here comes the greatest mystery of them all – the female / the fairer sex / the whatever else they are called to make them feel special. I am not a girl. So I don’t know what its like to be a girl. And being a Single Brown Male in his early twenties, and that too of the alphamale variety, I am as far from a girl’s world as James Cameron is from Kanti Shah or rather Cameron’s Avatar is from Shah’s Gunda. Or to put it in AD’s words, as a schizophrenic is from reality (that is why you are a master of wit dude). So I cannot have an inside or even a ringside view of a girl’s life. I am left out in the cold, like a high on testosterone, 17 year old kid standing outside a porn theatre desperate to get in at all costs.

So, being an alphamale, I have had very few girls in my life. Not that I am a loser who shys away from them or starts stammering on encountering the hottest girl around. No sir. Professionally – OK. Personally – Hi, Hello, Lets hang out, treats, canteen, coffee – Sorry sir, not my cup of tea. I am the type whom girls may not like to befriend. And myself, well, I personally endorse the views of Harry in When Harry Met Sally – “What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” Go ahead. Watch that movie if you have not yet. Probably the only sensible romantic movie ever. And who the hell wants to be friends with a girl anyways? Faggots do that.

Its just that I don’t know what to say to them. Some shithead cracks a lame joke and they go gaga over him. While another guy, who talks sensibly, is boring and quickly becomes an outcast. Trust me, I have observed this. Or rather experienced this (thats about the girl. More on her later.). You must cease to be yourself in their company. Hypocrisy is OK. Vanity is welcome. But the minute you try to be yourself or show them the reality, you are insensitive, you are a schmuck, you may be the worst person alive. The most trivial of things which a guy may never notice, become an issue of galactic importance for them while the biggest of issues may hold no importance in front of a minor one.

It has happened many times that I am with a girl and I wonder WTF? What should I say? I mean she is not going to discuss Quentin Tarantino or Tom Clancy with me. And I cannot talk Mills & Boons or SRK (could never understand why girls are such big suckers for him. He increases their expectations from men.) or worse – Rajiv Khandelwal and Balika Vadhu to save my life. What will she prefer? I am afraid to speak anything lest it upset her. I will speak figuratively. She will take it literally and I will be fucked. And what if I mention SEX. Will she freak out? It happened that I once used it with noblest of intentions and I was branded crass, cheap and what not. So there are a million thoughts in my mind. And finally, either I screw up with one crap talk or the other or I make a girl disinterested in me. Very few times it happens that I find someone compatible (This miracle happened with the girl albeit for a year or so.).

And finally, the greatest puzzle – What am I supposed to do with them? I mean, if I ask a lot of questions, I am nosy, if I don’t, I am insensitive. If I freak out on them, I don’t have a heart, if I don’t, I am uncaring. I am jealous and insecure if I react on my girl out there with someone else and I am indiferent if I don’t. I am a Male Chauvinist Pig, a control freak, if I want to know about their whereabouts all the time (when actually I care). I am a big-mouth, an ill mannered freak if I talk straightforwardly. I tell the truth, I am weak. I like Transformers, I will never grow up. I hate chick flicks, I will never understand what emotions are. And the moment I show emotions, I am not a man. So on and so forth.

Now, I cannot blame girls for everything. I am not a misogynist. I am sure that similar emotions can be evoked from the other side of the fence about boys. But the thing is that anytime, I would prefer having a drink or two with guys, discussing the latest violent thriller, sharing crude jokes on all and sundry and discussing Megan Fox’s or Priyanka Chopra’s assets instead of sitting around with a girl or horror of horrors – girls and feel awkward about not being able to laugh with them or making them laugh and trying desperately to put up a show of being content and happy. Thats not me. That will never be me. Come what may. Even God could never understand them. Who the hell am I then? I have tried and given up. Right baby? Adios.


7 Responses

  1. whom are you talking to ??? oh wait! i think i know… 😉

  2. Nice observation man……keep it up!!!!!!!!

  3. hmmm….. u did touch a cord or two of my heart, and i believe of a million other guys out there too, cz, cmmon, we r all scalded by the fairer*(read bitchier) sex!!!! And about those comments coming from other side of fence…. bring ’em on… sluts!!!

  4. Oh my god..This is sooo TRUE.I can fucking relate to everything written in here…
    They are so complicated..Even if one gets 7 lives to understand them,he can’t. I often find myself in the above fucked-up situation when my girl is mad at me & I don’t know what to do or say…
    Being single is cool.Now I understand that.But I am rather late now…

  5. god’s own mystery…nice title…hahahahaha
    well said.
    no man can understand what a girl wants and if he has understood then till that time he must have lost his masculinity.

    but still we need them and this we cant ignore…….

  6. d presentation is superb, jst marvellous ashish… abt d idea, i do agree wid rohit on dat. mebbe dats wot makes dem so irresistably seductive… der incomprehensible mystery.

  7. yup v need ’em.. thats ryt…

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