Optimistic Pessimism

So fucked up is my whole life right now, that I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Be it studies (which I never paid attention to anyways), reading (I used to be an avid reader with Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton and Dan Brown as my obsessions), music (tired of same old now dead Indipop and the latest bollywood music sucks bigtime), travelling (too lazy to go anywhere these days and I am totally broke to pay the fare) or sometimes even movies (three back to back movies use to be a norm, now it has become an exception) – I find everything  boring, uninteresting, insipid and what not.

Maybe its the current scenario which has made me like this – hopeless job scene, fucked up grades (why do they matter in the practical world I can never fucking understand), a college which I loathe to the core of my heart (maybe as much as the Joker hates Batman’s integrity), homesickness and a misunderstanding ex-girlfriend about whom I still wonder – WTF? (this happens when you see people you have known as someone else, transforming themselves into someone completely different abruptly, in this case, say, Julia Roberts trying to do a Monica Bellucci or Waheeda Rehman getting a “Sunday morning mythological TV serial special effect transformation” into Zeenat Amaan).

Oh! Here I go again rambling about my fucked up life. Well, the reason is that these days I am trying hard to overcome all these things which will not matter two or three months later. Sometimes I wonder why am I behaving like this? Isn’t life good enough with Mafia Wars, chicken at Bhatia’s Restaurant or Rohit’s room, occasional beer at Anand Vihar border, playing hide and seek with policewallahs there, all day movie marathons, online friendly banters with dada (he is getting his ass ripped apart by me and Rohit these days) and a good night’s sleep?

Then come the memories – the good, the bad and the ugly. They are related to everything in my life – the academics which I fucked up in past seven years and paying a heavy price for it now, the lack of confidence, though deep within my heart I know that I am not that bad, the utter feeling of uselessness, the desire to do something but lamenting the lack of oppurtunities (or maybe its just an excuse with which I try to console my lazy ass) and the “empty stomach, heavy heart” syndrome which I encounter whenever I enter college or encounter the girl (yes, I am not ashamed of admitting this).

Still, the optimistic bastard in me is not willing to give up and that is probably the only good thing happening right now (apart from beer, chicken and all that ofcourse). And yes, there are people to support and cheer me up (not that I am all alone though I am a self confessed loner). I am trying. No, I am trying to try maybe. This is so far the worst phase of my life and I am taking it in my sride. It has done its damage, but I think its still controllable. I will emerge from it and then, its a new world, its a new start. Till then, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and my crime capers. Adios.

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2 Responses

  1. Frustration, an intense temporal sickness…

  2. hmmmm, optimism is the only thread we hold, to maintain an indecent life in this shit-hole life…

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